What the hell, facebook?

Okay, I can accept that social networking seems to make money from selling information about its users to advertisers. (Can we call them "Marketeers?") Not so cool, but a reasonable price to pay for free Scrabb Wordscra Lexul Scrabble and friend requests from people we never really thought we'd wanted to see again. But I may have to take issue with the ads I'm seeing.
Take this first one.
Now, I had no idea who Deb was, or what made her an "lpuk." Eventually I got that it was for credit restructuring, but by that point I'd sworn never to trust anyone named Deb.
This seems to be some sort of fan site for an island shaped like a shoe. Yeah, I don't know either.
Okay, so I live in the UK. That's no excuse for this sort of dental discrimination. It's not all like this anymore.

Alright, seriously. What kind of job is she supposed to be representing? And does anyone really think that it's going to be okay with Facebook's no-filth policies? C'mon, people. You can do better than this.

Geek Tagging?

You ever seen one of those big-ass ads projected onto a wall or something? They kind of suck, don't they? Sure would be good if someone could work out a way to do something about it.

Something like this.

Every now and then I start to feel a little bit optimistic about humans. Usually somewhere around beer number four.

[link courtesy Graffiti Research Lab]

I don't know who to hate more...

Redbook magazine? Can't say as I know know much about it. I think the last time I saw a copy was in the dentist's office. Faith Hill? Is she the one who sings country or the one who sings western?
But if this story about how her photo was overhauled for the cover is true, I've only got one thing to say both Redbook and Faith:

Fuck you.

Anon and on and on?

Recently I have been forced to acknowledge another of the realities of modern life. This one being the need to market oneself, particularly to try and succeed in the art. If writing can be called an art, that is. Anyway, a great deal of emphasis has been put on the value of maintaining a presence on the interwebs, with some professionals telling me that I simply must get and maintain a "blogging on a myspace-dot-page."

Leaving aside the sniggering of those of us who claim to have some level of esoteric knowledge that others lack, the issue of exposure is a troublesome one. If I am going to use this space to promote myself, I'd have to be more open about it, wouldn't I? And it would probably be a good idea to downplay the laughing about children being systematically mistreated, the fascination with meat-eating robots, and the willingness to admit liking comic books and cartoons. So this particular mask probably ought to stay on as long as I'm writing here.

Which is to say that I'm probably going to have to start another one of these things, but with a goal of establishing a professional profile. Damn it, that's going to be more work. Which will mean less time for binge drinking, bitching about news and laughing at comics with monkeys in them.

This is someone's sales pitch. Seriously.

Apparently banana-mashing and plantain-loss are serious enough to necessitate a rather specific product. The "'Safe Banana' Banana Guard."

How many times have you took a banana to work, peeled it but found it was so bruised it had to be thrown away? Well, thanks to this great product, available from SafeBanana you can transport your banana fully protected during any journey.

There are nine great, funky colours to choose from and all are extremely popular. A tough banana shaped box that protects the banana and slows ripening thanks to small holes that run along the side, allowing air to circulate. A secure lock ensures you do not lose your banana. It is easy to clean and dishwasher safe.

The mind reels. There have been many times that I have "took a banana to work, peeled it but found it was so..." Wait, no. I don't know anyone who is such a colossal weenie that they would throw away a purpose-packed lunch banana because of bruising. And now that I think of it, what the hell are these people doing with their lunches anyway, kicking them down the streets?

Sweet?

Apparently, this is a succesful way to sell chocolate in the UK.

It's just chocolate. What's so manly about that? There's no raw meat in it, no cutouts from a Snap-on Tools calendar, it doesn't even burst into flames.

Whatever else in life may be casting doubt on your masculinity, putting this big, long, thick, piece of chocolate in your mouth is the thing to set the record straight.

Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too?

In Japan, it seems to take a lot more cartoon cleavage to sell Dr Pepper...

Whereas last year it was sorta "girl-next-door-cheesecake" stuff...

This year it's futuristic space cleavage.

But apparently that's what it takes to sell a non-Coke product here.

And on a lighter note:

The accepted context for imported ideas and characters isn't even considered before use in Japan; exhibit 77d.

In Japan, the dark lord of the Sith digs jail-bait.
Totally.

Well, I finally saw Star Wars: Episode 2.

Sheesh, "Attack of the Clones."

I gotta say, each successive movie makes me like Star Wars less and less.

After Phantom Menace I didn't think I could dislike Anakin any more. Then I saw what a whiny, petulant teenager he turned out to be. Maybe the only thing more irritating than his whining was his inability to use contractions. Say what you will about Luke's whining ("I was gonna go into Mos Eisley for some power converters"), at least his delivery didn't sound like a prep school drama student.

Of course, it is entirely possible that Lucas wanted him to sound like a background character from Cruel Intentions.

As long as I'm griping, did anyone else find it odd that Amidala, who was apparently elected queen (what? Queens are elected?) at the tender age of late-puberty only seemed to have aged one or two years to Anakin's 10? And that even if she was only 15 when she was elected queen, she had no problem dating a boy who would have just been finishing high school when she was finishing her second term in the senate? And what the hell kind of government elects a queen but gives its legislative voice in the republic to a senator who would leave her affairs in the hands of Jar-Jar? I have to say that people of Naboo don't just have a stupid name for their planet, they have a stupid way of life to go with it.

And perhaps that is my biggest gripe with the last two movies: Great pains were taken to create an entire universe with its own history, mythology, politics and society; but the whole universe is reasonable only as long as you don't think about anything for more than fifteen seconds.

C'mon, why the hell would the trade federation's new battle droids have neck sockets compatible with whatever model C-3PO was kit-bashed from 10 years earlier? Apart from making possible the unnecessary and seemingly interminable Head-switching scene, I mean. Whoever thought that was clever enough to justify returning to it more than twice should be dragged out behind Skywalker ranch and beaten with a rubber hose full of bird shot.

Oh yeah, the special effects were continually impressive. The sheer number of new characters and vehicles will undoubtedly infuriate anyone who has to pay for a Star Wars Toy collection. I counted at least three different types of walker vehicles in the final clone battle alone.

And if you were one of those people who were holding your breath waiting to see Yoda fight, you should get out of the house more.